All Attractions at Disney’s Hollywood Studios to Close

All Attractions at Disney’s Hollywood Studios to Close

This morning it was announced that all attractions at Disney’s Hollywood Studios are slated to close. The announcement was made at a press conference, held by Disney spokesman Buzz Abrams. “Guests have been complaining about the construction walls and closed attractions,” Abrams said to a group of about 100 reporters. “In the interest of maintaining our reputation for great guest experiences, we have decided to just shut down and demolish everything at Disney’s Hollywood Studios.” He then asked those in attendance if there were any questions.

Tower of Terror at Disney Hollywood Studio

The first inquiry dealt with the time frame for the park’s closing. “Sunday,” was Abrams reply. After the collective gasp, he continued. “Everyone already knew that there would be massive shut downs after April 2, we just decided to take the closures further than we originally announced.

“But don’t worry, the fun at the park will not stop. Since Disney’s Hollywood Studios will not officially be open, for the first time in Disney Parks history we are offering 50% off park admission! If you want to come in and watch the behind the scenes demolition magic happen, you can for $48.50, $51, or $57, depending on the season. That is half off the normal DHS admission. FastPass+ will be available for reserved viewing areas. Of course, guests will need to sign waivers stating that they realize that NONE of the attractions, restaurants, or shops will be open during their visits. We will have a few portable potties, but you might have to wait in line with the construction workers.

“Plus,” Abrams added, “for an extra $19.99 per person, we’ll let you take a picture with Handy Manny. We wanted it to be Bob the Builder, but apparently we don’t own the rights to him! Go figure, I thought that Disney owned the rights to just about everything these days. We won’t have PhotoPass photographers on hand, you’ll have to take the picture yourself.”

Abrams took a peek at his notes before continuing. “I almost forgot, the fun doesn’t stop there. We are also going to offer ‘Extra Magic Demolition’. For only $149 per person, Disney will actually let you take three swings with a sledge hammer to help us demolish several discontinued attractions. You will then be able to take home a shattered piece of a classic Disney ride, show, or restaurant. Those will be limited to one per person, and we expect Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster and Tower of Terror fragments to go fast, so you’d better reserve your spot right away. It’s a win win situation. Guests will take home a unique souvenir, and Cast Members won’t have to clean up the construction mess.” Abrams glanced at his notes again. “Oh, and with Extra Magic Demolition you will also receive a special ‘Mickey Demolition Collector’s Pen’. That’s ‘pen’, not ‘pin’. This isn’t a pin trading event.”

The next question led to what would become of the land that currently houses Disney’s Hollywood Studios. “We’re still going ahead with our plans for Star Wars Land and Toy Story Land, we’re just getting everything else out of the way first. Demolishing everything that is currently in the park will really speed things up. We decided to shut all remaining Disney’s Hollywood Studios attractions down until the construction is complete. When it reopens, it will totally be worth the wait. We’re closing Disney’s Hollywood Studios forever, but it will reopen with a new name.”

Abrams then looked around the crowd in front of him and shook his head again. “I’m surprised no one has asked me the park’s new name. Well, I can tell you that we haven’t decided on that yet. We’re holding a behind the scenes contest. I submitted ‘Abram’s Awesome Adventures’, and I think that has a pretty good shot.”

Abrams looked at the blank faces in front of him and started to laugh. “I can’t believe that all of you fell for another April Fool’s joke. You’re probably the same people who last year believed that we were going to change Cinderella Castle into Elsa’s Ice Palace!”